Active Listening Skills

Welcome to Lesson 2 of 4 in Communication Foundations. It takes about 15 minutes.

Lesson 1 was about speaking. This lesson is about the first half of communication, the half we practise least: listening. Most of us think we listen well. The people around us often disagree. You will learn the habits that block listening, four skills that replace them, and you will try them in one real conversation.

Scripture comes from the King James Version. This is a course for learning and practice, and it cannot promise particular results.

Since last time

Last time you chose a small action: speaking up once where you would normally stay silent, writing down your one main point before an update, or saying your why aloud to someone.

Look back at the week. What did you try, and what did you notice? If you did not manage it, say so honestly and carry it into this week.

In this lesson you will

• Name the habits that block listening and use four skills instead: full attention, not interrupting, saying back what you heard, and asking an open question.
• Explain how patience and humility, as Scripture describes them, make us better listeners.
• Practise active listening in one real conversation and note what you noticed.

Before you start

How true is each of these for you today, from 1 (not true) to 5 (very true)?

• People who talk to me come away feeling heard.
• I let people finish before I reply.
• I give my full attention when someone speaks to me.

1. Hear the matter first

Watch two people in a disagreement. While one speaks, the other is usually loading his reply. The moment there is a gap, he fires. Proverbs has a short, uncomfortable sentence about this.

Proverbs 18:13 (KJV) 13 He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.

To answer before we have heard is foolish, because we answer something the person did not say. We do it in four common ways:

• Interrupting. We cut in before the sentence ends.
• Finishing their sentences. We assume we know where it is going.
• Fixing. We offer a solution before we understand the problem.
• Matching. "That happened to me too…" and now the conversation is about us.

The cure is simple to say and hard to do: let the person finish, then wait two seconds before you speak.

Think about it: Which of the four do you do most: interrupting, finishing sentences, fixing or matching?

Try this week: In three conversations this week, let the other person finish and count two seconds before you reply.

2. Full attention

We can be in the room and still be absent. Today the thing that pulls us away usually sits in our hand. Attention is a choice, and a divided mind cannot give it.

Giving full attention means a few plain actions:

• Put the phone away, face down or out of sight.
• Turn towards the person and look at them.
• Stop what you are doing. If you cannot, say so and name a time when you can.
• Notice your own mind wandering, and bring it back without fuss.

Imagine a father who listens to his daughter's news while scrolling through messages. She stops talking halfway. The next evening he puts the phone in a drawer before she gets home. She talks for twenty minutes.

Think about it: Who in your life most often gets only half of your attention?

Try this week: Choose one person. For one conversation with them each day this week, put your phone out of sight before it begins.

3. Say it back, and ask

James gives a rule for all of us who are in Christ that fits every conversation.

James 1:19–20 (KJV) 19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: 20 For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

Swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. Listening takes patience, and it takes humility: we accept that the other person may know something we do not.

Two skills turn hearing into understanding:

• Say it back. "So what you are saying is…" Then let them correct you.
• Ask an open question, one that cannot be answered with yes or no. "What happened next?" "What would better look like?"

You do not have to agree with what you hear. You do have to understand it before you judge it.

Your exercise: this week, have one ten-minute conversation with a family member, a colleague or a church member. Ask them about something that matters to them. Use the two-second pause, keep your phone away, say back what you heard, and ask one open question. Then come back and record it below.

Think about it: Who needs to be heard by you this week? What open question could you ask them?

Try this week: Have your ten-minute listening conversation this week, and use all four skills in it.

Activities

Reflection

• What did you notice in your listening conversation that surprised you?

Key takeaways

• Listening is the first half of communication.
• Drop the habits that block it: interrupting, finishing sentences, fixing and matching.
• Give full attention: phone away, face the person, stop what you are doing.
• Be swift to hear and slow to speak: say it back, and ask an open question.

Your next step

You have finished Lesson 2. You are on the path of growth: you have practised active listening in a real conversation.

These lessons give you the everyday basics. To keep growing, KMA offers two next steps:

Mentorship. Grow with a KMA mentor who helps you practise in real situations and follows up with you on what you tried. See KMA's mentorship packages. See the mentorship packages

Or: the Communication Track (monthly Learning membership). Prefer to learn on your own first? The Communication Track turns these everyday skills into business skills: brand strategy, copywriting, digital marketing, persuasion and pitching, and reading the numbers. See the Communication Track